I’ve loved you for years. From Time Warps with my sisters on our living room carpet to time spent figuring out how to get Columbia’s fake eyebrows, to live shows around the globe, I’ve always talked you up. You’ve always been a good friend to me, so I to you.
Last night you were, sadly, not cool. I had talked you up to Mo for months. I heard mutual friends were gonna go see you. Perfect. No one should visit you solo—you’re much better in a group—preferably a drunken group, so seizing opportunity, I informed her we had better act. Your friendship is fickle, generally more accepting during the Halloween season, I’ve found.
You showed signs of your old self in the beginning. Some great misfit freaks were hanging on Colley. Leathers, feathers, and all the rest. Good good.
Then you just derailed. What was up with an hour of b.s. before you “let us see lips”? Were the previews to children’s movies from 2006 supposed to be a joke? Or was your DVD an old copy you couldn’t get edited? Either way, I must say you embarrassed me with your irresponsibility last night. My friends thought you looked a little lazy and I had to agree.
And this new crowd you’re hanging with. Quite the aggressive bunch, aren’t they? Remember how your old friends in New York and London used to dance and sing together? How they got in watergun wars and laughed? Remember when we all sang along to your songs and didn’t yell the ENTIRE time so that no one could hear the story itself? Your leather chap boy sort of ruined my night by reading every single shoutout in all Rocky Horror Picture Show history out from his smartphone. His smartphone!! He didn’t even have the traditional shoutouts memorized. And he was aggressive. You should dump him. Brad’s better looking anyway.
So Rocky…I’m glad we had this little talk. I still love you. Your fashion, your insanity, your camp. But this chaos and aggression…I can’t be having it. I’d hate for us to turn into Facebook friends, with me occasionally pulling out my DVD or quoting from you in some ironic pop culturally stunted way. We should remain in each other’s lives. Perhaps you should check out ODU or CNU? A theater group with professionalism keeping the games on par and the volume up loud enough to actually hear “Sweet Transvestite.”
Here’s hoping we can work this out. I shutter with anticipa……tion.
